Boys don’t cry

Wet-gray weather outside, it won’t be really bright today, no reason to go outside today. Bad weather. Somehow I can’t pull myself together, I could read my book further or watch Breaking Bad further, but somehow I lack the motivation to do anything. I am proud that I got through the daily showering behind me. Probably I’m just exhausted from work – after a pretty hard work session I have a few days off again – so it’s not so bad that I hang around in the apartment so listless and without motivation. At the same time, however, I am still so dissatisfied with my current work situation that I find it difficult to switch off despite my free time.

It’s not even the fact that the station itself is very labor-intensive – it’s more the atmosphere between the girls. How do I best describe it? I also do my best not to attract attention, in other words, I work a lot, try to be forward-looking and collegial, even if I am accurate knows that behavior will not be reciprocated. I stay out of the daily gossip, don’t take sides and just swim under the radar until the shift is over. As I said, I get along well, but who knows how quickly that can change.

This morning I woke up with a backache and I am accordingly ungracious. Not so bad that I would have to take a pill, but it is so that I am severely restricted in terms of movement – and after almost ten years in my job, the suspicion that it is not just muscle tension, but probably the first signs of wear and tear on my spine – especially because the same three areas always hurt when I have back pain again. Steffi and I are currently talking a lot about what I could do alternatively.  And she’s right. Just today she brought home a flyer from a psychiatric-assisted living group for drug-addicted teenagers: “Wouldn’t that be for you? You are so good with addicts. “

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Last week we were out in the evening, shortly before eight o’clock – a time when the sidewalks in some parts of the city are folded up and the business owners close their shops. At that very moment, a former colleague of mine stumbles out of small, familiar-looking clothing store and fiddles with a key on the door. Over a coffee, she then told us that a few years ago she started her own business, instead of dealing with sick people, rather selling expensive designer clothes – and being a hundred times happier. Apparently there isn’t a day she doesn’t want to go to work. Turn a hobby into a job or something like that. 

In my current emotional state it is difficult to imagine that there really are people who like to go to work – someone could come and tell me, when I look out of the window, the sight does not contribute to a good mood or motivational thoughts. I don’t get myself motivated for anything at the moment. When I pick up my book, I want to fall asleep straight away – when I watch TV I get a guilty conscience after half an hour because I just sit around again – at least during the day. I actually have a lot on my to-do list: Steffi will be 30 next week and this year she will be showered with presents that I should all wrap up. At the same time, I should actually get in touch with various friends who wanted to collect money for a big gift. And your party doesn’t organize itself either … but I don’t feel like doing anything, absolutely nothing. Pull the blanket over your head and wait until it gets better by itself. A luxury problem when you have too much time and too little drive.

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